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This is the ERSS page of "Fun Stuff", the place to post items that will bring a smile to Evil Roy's face |
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(hard to do with a man who was raised by buzzards; neither the Indians nor the wolves wanted to adopt him!) |
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This is the ERSS page of "Fun Stuff", the place to post items that will bring a smile to Evil Roy's face |
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(hard to do with a man who was raised by buzzards; neither the Indians nor the wolves wanted to adopt him!) |
Please send us your jokes, funny stories, cartoons, and funny photos if you want to share them with the readers of this web site. To send your items: click HERE to go to our page where you can type them into a form and submit it to us on line or forward them to evilroy@evilroyshootingschool.com .
All items will be reviewed for content (no guarantee we will use them and please remember this is a family page) and the sender will remain anonymous upon request. Copy righted materials must have their source noted.
DO NOT read these jokes if you are short, tall, fat, skinny, male, female, gay, straight, brown, white, black or anything else that you are really sensitive about."
Anyway as Bugs Bunny always says
**** So on with the
show this is it! ****
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| Good To Be Blonde Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me . . . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. Hello? There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back from him since. Guess I won that stupid argument. |
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| Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-by." |
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| Kid Quotes Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10 When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12 Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9 Wear a hat when feeding sea gulls. Rocky, Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8 Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7 Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9 Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11 Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13 Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13 Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 12 Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7 |
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| Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods... Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods were having a beer. Stevie: "How's your game"? Tiger: "Not bad but I need to work on my swing" Stevie: "Me too" Tiger : "You play golf"? Stevie: "Sure and I'm getting pretty good" Tiger: "You're blind, how do you play golf"? Stevie: "Easy, I just get my caddie to go about 250 yards down the fairway and have him yell at me so I know where to aim". Then I get him to go onto the green and yell so I can chip on. Then when I'm ready to putt I get him to put his mouth next to the hole and whistle so I know where the hole is. It works really well and I've managed to become a scratch golfer. Tiger: "We should play sometime" Stevie: "Sure but I only play for money because people don't take me seriously - $25,000 a hole". Tiger: "That's fine. When do you want to play." Stevie: "Pick a night" |
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| Smart Dog A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key. |
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| When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.......... So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!! |
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TEACHER INTERVIEW After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me...... NOT TO PRAY! |
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One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed." |
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| Blonde Jokes: Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon? "The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......????? A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs". Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 o'clock news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and I knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money....... |
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| I had amnesia once.. maybe twice. Photons have mass?? I didn't even know they were catholic! All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy... I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous... What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free...? They told me I was gullible.. and I believed them... Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up.. he'll never be able to edge his car onto the freeway. What if there were NO hypothetical questions? One good thing about egotists.. they don't talk about other people! I used to be quite indecisive... now, I not so sure! The High cost of living hasn't affected its popularity! How can there be self help 'groups'? Is there another word for synonym? Is it possible to be TOTALLY partial? What is another word for Thesaurus?... It not an optical illusion.. It just looks like one. |
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| We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose,
but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language. |
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| One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary
line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, simply looked up and nodded, then looked at the sunset, with his pole in the water, without a care in the world. |
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| OLD FARMER'S ADVICE Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. Don't judge folks by their relatives. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. Always drink upstream from the herd. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. |
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| If a dog was your teacher you would learn things like... When loved ones come home, always run to greet them... Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride... Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy... Never pretend to be something you're not... Let others know when they have invaded your territory... Take naps and stretch before rising... Run, romp and play daily... Always protect those you love.. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do... On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass... On a hot day, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree... When you're happy dance around and wiggle your entire body... Thrive on attention and let people touch you... No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout-run right back and make friends... Delight in the simple joy of a long walk... Eat with gusto and enthusiasm-stop when you've had enough... Be loyal... If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it... When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently... |
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